what are the odds of feeling numb? or perhaps it can be brushed aside as well, it probably happened over trashy tiny issues that cannot be resolved or wait, how do you define a feeling or a problem or put across a feeling or describe that feeling. i don't know and i can tell and i'm still trying to figure out just why and how. that's why i said it's intense. emotions play such a huge role in our daily lives that it can seriously either bring people together or tear souls apart. so what's the trigger? is it really the emotion or the medium, through words - seeing the words, typing them out or saying the words that actually confronts your deepest fears or etc? we often blame ourselves for causing misery and unhappiness. but if we look deeper, are we the ones at fault, really. this complex action of seeing, telling, feeling, hearing abt things can just be so contradicting sometimes that makes people question not only the fundamentals but also the surface.

i'm still trying to find myself, and search my emotions and obviously learn how to be less sensitive and take things easy. i feel like there's so many things coming through my brain that it's pretty confusing. i might have just confused myself by thinking too much. so that must also stop and be swept away.

nobody said the road ahead will be easy. i'll take a step at a time.

control, eunice. control yourself.

be in control.

3 months of fun flew by and bye way too fast too soon and strangely, before i/we know, goodbyes were said, hugs were given and all that's left were memories to cherish and things that remind us of all that happened in a short span of time. so there she goes back to brissyland while he goes back to sydland. thanks for showering me with all the attention and fun times yet again. i shall or rather you will receive my bigass hugs and excites in end june/early july when my pressence fills au. it shall be a nice roadtrip (fingerscrossed). plans are on the way. and life changing experiences are on the agenda. i'm just 5 weeks away to my final exam and 15 weeks away from the au adventure. obviously, with the inbetweens, the job hunt begins (like now). scary yet anticipating. weird but it's another stage in life.

i miss u // thank you

  

2009 has been a year of well a bit of everything but i'm glad that overall, good memories seem to over ride all the others. It's not all gd and no bads to be honest but I rather look on the positive and be at most grateful for whatever i have in 2009 and now, being the first 3 hours of 2010. It's pretty amazing how things/people change along with time. friends new and old, eating patterns, exercise routines, to even the way we speak/shop/relax etc. we learn to adapt to our circumstances. and more importantly, we learn to give and take. no one is perfect, but i'm def working on it to be more flexible and kind to others and more so to be street smart, cos u will nvr noe what may come by ur way.

i'm thankful for so many things that if i were to list down, i may haf to write a book. nonetheless, i jst need to know how fortunate i am to have certain close ones in my life, to cherish and be there for them as well. i guess there's no need to explictly list down to brag the names, for what ever that is true and all stays within the heart n mind. sincerity is a tricky issue to deal with sometimes but i guess so long as we're sincere it doesnt matter how we protray it. well yes others may jst mock and doubt our intentions, but who are we to judge and please everyone? it's far fm possible.

i look forward to 2010. and i would like to make it the best year ever/to come. it's a year where turning pts set in, with graduation in sigh soon with the struggle and determination to get thru this final semester. no hardwork no gain. i shall see through what i've set out to do. seems like the rat race doesnt stop after sch ends, for the corporate ladder seems to be the same race, just different platforms and directions i suppose.

but which ever/how ever the case, i jst do my best and let God do the rest. i'm no superhuman. but i will try my best to be a better person and not let emotions affect my mental state way too much. i need to be stable and compose to perform, of cos with some emotions that will def come into play, else that will be too heartless.

i'm very tired actually and waiting for my hair to dry. thereafter, i shall concass and jst catch up on my sleep. i noe i've been sleeping a fair bit during the china holiday that sometimes i wonder if i'm feeling letargic fm all the sleeping. it's amazing, isnt it. the wonders of snoozing. haha.

till then, it's finally gd bye 2009 and hello 2010. I wish for nothing but the very best for my loved ones and friends, to excel for the coming new year. bearing that in mind, i jst realised that since now is jan 2010, chinese new year is like a mth later in feb. how fast is that. it's dam scary haha. time reali flies like i duno how to really explain. it's quite freaky i guess.

i wonder if self-centered trait protrayed has been making its way on a huge impact on me lately and i wonder why so, coming from someone i care abt so dearly. but in anycase, jst like i was telling boony, i guess it's not that i'm being anal or bitchy, but there's always a line to be drawn, somehow, somewhere. i still live by the quote that it is important to find someone who loves u not only for who you are but really, cares for you and appreciates you (with you knowing of cos) and loves u unconditionally - which in most cases is hard i understand, it's ok but at least love u for u for being u and not for other hidden agenda. We all longed to be appreciated in one way or another. Sometimes we do not understand why things happen for wadeva reason it may be. but come what may, if it's yours, it shall be. Sometimes, i just wanna share everything, i'm trying my best to be as informal as possible towards my friends (trying to head the advice by ming). but really, how to achieve that? i ought to find my confidence back once again - dam the past hurts that cuts so deep - yes i tried to forget but at times, when u're in that super reflective mode, i guess u just can't simply avoid reflecting the what-has-beens and more specifically, what-ifs. i'm still trying, my best.

i'm not turning into a posessive bitch. I just want to know you more, my dear friends and lover. but if it's asking for too much, i will jst say the necessary, least all of you get too worked up at me for really, nothing. haha oh wells, i guess it's this transition of oh-sch is -is-is-is finally coming to an end really soon in mid nxt year. and i'm gonna be so stuck in this oh-so-compulsary you-must-find-a-proper-job and work mindset. it's all abt $, isnt it. fm a gd degree and all that gpa nonsense to that high flyer gd pay job that builds on ur resume. it nvr stops apparently. so what's next what's next. it's always that progression, that very leap in life that keeps us (fortunately and unfortunately) on our toes. challenge sounds sweet yet complicated in a way. but don't we jst like things to be simple. simplistic living sounds fine to be but we have complications due to human nature and basically, it's all about competing.

when this rat race ends, the next generation takes over. I really hope it doesn't carry on in heaven and the after life. or so i heard that it would be really peaceful up there. life is short. i shd start doing more productive things than let my bloody emotions take over my brains. but this is (fortunately and unfortunately again) my second space to rant and let it all out other than my twitter account that is of random and this is it kind of micro blogging.

nonethelesss, i shall be strong for u, u and u and us all.

love much. live righteously.

numb isn't good. but sometimes, when emo strikes, it causes an emotional uproar of imbalance that affects everyone of us. i'm not here to judge any or myself. but i guess sometimes, some things gotta give. it's the push pull effect. it's the dam emotions that stirs shit. ironic but it happens.

i came across this long quote while surfing and it reads like this: -

"and then i felt sad because i realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they cant ever be fixed and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older and you see the people in your life break one by one you wonder when your turn is going to be or if it's already happened".

this has a double meaning, which i have yet to decipher which really is the truth; or maybe i'm avoiding. but no matter what, it does speak of somethings that we often neglect or often overlook or rather we don't dare to face up to.

work does drain people, relationships, time and involves time and energy. this shall not be an inconvenient excuse to rant but that's life as said by the older folks especially by the mother. $ is hard to earn as she constantly reminds me. I often think back and see the plight that my mom is in, and it scares the shit out of me, to know that I may not be as strong a person she is/has been. but all i know is that she wants the best for me and hopefully be as strong or stronger than her mentally, emotionally and physically. it's hard to let go sometimes, but i'll do what i can while she's alive, breathing.

it shouldnt be that hard. but why it that it feels hollow sometimes. Excluding all the pms nonsense crap, I really just want to see my close friends - well people that i really want to keep in contact with and actually talk to/meet up with - just seeing them happy and smile makes me contented cos i love them all in a way. as for my my family, his fams and him, I want equally the best or more for them. I do not wish to turn into an insecure bitch that will ruin everything. I no need extravagent praises or affirmations. I just need them to be around, at the very least. it's like for all your joys, ups and downs n sorrows crap stuff, at least someone to respond somehow but i mean i shall not be so unreasonable too - if it's not feasible, i will simple jot it down somewhere, along the sms, journal here or just well, if it's no biggie an issue, sleep over it! ha

if the one condition of happiness cannot be fulfilled thru their eyes, it's time to jst walk away somehow - cos it means i really can't fill that gap.

i will be strong for you; and hope u'll be too :)

i wish time cld pass a tad slower, for me to jot down memory lane. but it seems like i have to keep up with time that is ticking away. there's so much to say, do, feel. but sometimes, just seeing my beloved aussie ppl like chia and shida smile and catch ups tog, makes everything seems so fine. I know it's dumb to think ahead so far as to March which is barely 2.5mths away. still, i have to remind myself everyday of how thankful i am to have them in my life. as much as i think it doesnt really matter whether they r in au or sg, it does. as much as all of us think that the dist is such a bitch and we have long gotten over it, it does as well. i guess it's the communication that brings us all closer, thanks to msn, sms, calls. it's so hard to let go and say gdbye, but if we think about happy memories instead, it shd make us feel a little better and keep the dam emotions in place. i'm nt complaining; simply reflecting. haha such things happen as we age - we think more abt things and stuff like that. I will never know what the future holds. but i shall attempt to just make the best of what i have already got. I think i love them, more than ever they can imagine, in every sense. i dun say the word love often, cos it spoils and cheapens the meaning. but i do care for them both especially, since they carry the title or being the bf and bff. haha oh wells, titles are jst another form of labels - cos somehow, we are all trained to categorise every single ass thing into forms, shapes, sizes etc. ironic in a sense, but hey so long as we understand and know what's really going on, titles are worthless.

to bed i shall go, before i start to get emotional. i suspect it's the pms. but then again, we are humans afterall, rightfully allowed some spare time to bitch, reflect, and be emo all we want - bearing in mind the time limits and constraints. hee hee it's friday - the start of it. i can't wait.